Click on the statement below that best fits your current thinking to get information and resources for your next step.
What a great place to be! Maybe you are ready for an even deeper connection and you want the opportunity to solidify a loving base. You may be embarking on some life changing events like the birth of a child, a new career path, a business venture, children leaving home, or retirement. If you want a place for your hopes and dreams or fears and concerns to be heard, a 3 hr Deep Dive or a 6 hr Couples Relationship Intensive is for you.
People can get pretty fed up with requesting change and not getting any traction. They can feel so disillusioned and begin to feel that change is just not possible. The approach that will be most helpful as a first step is Discernment Counseling. Divorce is expensive and trying couples therapy before both people are on board is generally futile. Investing in 1-5 sessions of Discernment Counseling will help you two choose a path that fits where you are now. These include staying the course for the time being, divorce or break up, or a no holds barred, divorce off the table 6 month course of couples therapy. For more information read the Discernment Counseling section of my website and visit http://moderncommitment.com.
We start out in love and with the best of intentions, but the truth is that few of us gets good relationship education. Our society also focuses more on getting to commitment that it does on how to keep that commitment alive day after day. When we hit a point where our differences feel too hard, we don’t have a roadmap to navigate the course. Sometimes we use strategies we learned when we were young. We keep hoping they will work, but we keep feeling like we are failing. We are probably unaware that our partner is doing the same thing. Here is where a few different approaches can help. A 3 hr Deep Dive could help you two clarify the issues that are currently standing in your way. For some couples that clarity is all it takes to get back on track. If there are a number of stress points, a 6 hr Couples Relationship Intensive can offer more connection and clarity. For couples who desire a slower pace to creating change and growth, weekly couples therapy is an excellent choice.
If you have experienced a crisis in your life or relationship, such as a major loss or breach of trust, a traditional 50 minute therapy session is simply not sufficient time to allow partners to achieve some containment of the emotional experience. A 90-120 minute Couples Therapy Session can be more helpful, but for such a momentous event a 3-6 hour session will provide a space to be heard and received, as well as time to map out next steps to recovery and healing.
Daily life responsibilities like work, kids, and home can put couples in survival mode. In that place loving connection gets lost. Stress also inhibits connection as well as desire. People forget what accelerates their connection (and sexual desire) and focus on the brakes (too tired, timing, little slights). You care about your relationship and want a course correction. A 3 hr Deep Dive or 6 hr Couples Relationship Intensive is an expedient choice to rekindle you two as a loving team. Some people find this type of jump start all they need, but for others they help uncover deeper issues that may need more attention in weekly couples therapy.
6. You’ve tried to reconnect and your partner wasn’t receptive. When they try to reconnect you are too hurt to turn toward them. You can’t find a way out of this dance.
Oh, those devilish dances! Even when couples see the dance or pattern they are stuck in, they can feel powerless to find ways to alter them. Sometimes a 3 hr Deep Dive is enough to take a deep breath and sidestep the troublesome patterns that divides you. A 6 hr Couples Relationship Intensive is another way to uncover what holds you two back from vulnerability and bonding. What you discover can aid deeper work in individual therapy or weekly couples therapy. New skills and a commitment to using them will help change the course of your relationship.
7. You think your partner is to blame for the troubles in your relationship and you want a professional to verify your opinion and tell your partner they need to change.
When we hurt, we can see everyone else as the source of our pain. If only my partner would do what I want, say what I want to hear, or just stop being themselves so I can feel safe. If you feel your partner is the problem, I hear your pain. Here is a truth that is hard to hear – it isn’t solely their responsibility to do that for you. Many of us have attachment wounds from our parents or caretakers that we try to heal in our relationships, yet a big piece of that healing must first be our own responsibility. If it is hard being close to others (even though you want to be) or you are have tried so hard to show you are worthy of love (while giving away yourself over and over with no result) individual therapy will be the best place to start the healing of attachment wounds. As you gain a more secure stance, you will then be ready for couples therapy to be successful. For more information about your own attachment style, try a free assessment to understand how attachment affects relationships. Individual therapy could be right for you.
8. Your partner just told you they want out and you don’t want to lose them. You wonder what you can do to save your relationship.
You’ve heard their complaints and you may have kept your head down or you may become defensive and hurt. Your partner said enough is enough and you are scrambling to figure out how not to lose them. You say you are willing to do anything and feel truly desperate. Even if your partner has said they want a divorce or to end the relationship, Discernment Counseling is the place to direction. Divorce is expensive, generally costing between $5,000 to $38,000 in California. The whole process ranges from 8-20 months. The DC approach involves 1-5 sessions with a trained Discernment Counselor. After initial phone screening with both parties to see if DC is right for their situation, couples meet together and separately with the counselor to get clearer on their part in the imminent break up. Three paths or outcomes are discussed. Staying the course means living with the ways things have been. Divorce or break up may be the right choice and DC helps couples be honorable with each other in pursuing this path. Committing to a divorce off the table 6 month course of couples therapy is the third path. Couples who go into couples therapy with a positive commitment to working things out have much better success. For more information see the Discernment Counseling Section and visit http://moderncommitment.com.
9. You and your partner know there are real problems with your communication. You are committed to getting down to business and finding a better way.
Reality has struck! You know there are deeper issues and problems to address. You’ve made some small changes, but they keep falling flat. Your commitment is strong, but it is difficult to see how to progress. Two strong options are a 6 hr Couples Intensive or weekly Couples Therapy. Making a commitment to being the partner you aspire to be can be a challenge. As Pete Pearson, one of my mentors from the Couples Institute says, if you are standing at the door of the gym bemoaning your lack of progress at getting in shape, it is time to walk in the door. Change takes effort and dedication. It can be painful and exhilarating. Come on inside! In a Couples Intensive I can help you two focus on your most crucial change points. When you and your partner enter into the intensive space, exciting and powerful insights and change will happen. A 6 hr Couples Relationship Intensive can lead to deeper work in weekly Couples Therapy or if you want to work in smaller steps you can start with weekly sessions. Choosing the right approach for you and your partner is my goal. In addition to this personalized assessment, I offer a 30 minute free consultation to help you and your partner choose what will work best for you two.
10. You are filled with rage about your partner and the relationship and you want a place to let it all hang out.
Rage is a strong word and a strong emotion. In relationship with anyone in our life it might be an appropriate emotion. Finding a place to reveal and heal that rage can be a challenge. I believe that rage, unleashed, can be safely done in individual therapy. To be in a caring and safe space to vent one’s hurt can be a step to healing. What I don’t believe in is causing harm to someone who has harmed us. To rain down one’s rage on another person is to harm our own being. This is why Couples Therapy is not the right place to let it all hang out. Rage creates shame and harm when discharged on another directly. If you are looking to let it all hang out in Couples Therapy, I am not the right person for you. I see Couples Therapy as a place for honesty and healing, but not for inflicting pain. Usually partners have already been expressing their hurt and rage at home and my goal is to have that recreated in my office. My goal is not to have people feel worse when they leave a session. I am happy to talk with you about where you are currently and to work with you individually to reestablish balance and health. I am happy to talk with you about there you are currently and to work with you in Individual Therapy to establish balance and health.